Advice

[matsunosuperfan]

Advice

“Be measured. Keep it cool, man, that’s the game.
Don’t get all emotional; that’s lame.
Don’t use dated words like “lame,” that’s cringe.
No one wants to hear a grown man whinge.
Waste no time delighting in the moon,
the ocean, the horizon, or the loon’s
torn cry at midnight—you were born in Georgia.
The only loon you know’s a girl named Georgia.
Take everything you feel and write it down
or sideways, backwards—no one really cares
unless it moves the needle, splits the shares,
glues chair to ass—you have to make a movie
of your life, man, really paint the town.
Telling the truth about it? That’s a doozy.”

I'd written out a crit, but mobile issues. Rewriting.

I dislike the lame / game and cringe / whinge rhymes - entirely unnecessary, damages the poem.
I don't like 'splits the shares' - that makes no sense. Why should anyone really care that much about a share split? A share price spike maybe. Seems arbitrary.
I don't like the movie / doozy rhyme at the end. Doesn't work

I like what the poem is saying - that the whole 'show, don't tell' advice can go too far.
I like the Georgia / Georgia part best. It feels clever, and breaks away from the predictable rhyming.

The poem has something in it. Worth revising.

ok thx for finding something in it. might try again. was honestly a little exhausting which is probably the problem with present approach.