Today, 12:27 AM
(Yesterday, 11:16 PM)RiverNotch Wrote: Sketches of Pampángaoverall i liked these! take anything i say with a grain of salt because A.) i rarely write haikus myself and B.) i am brand new here and still learning how to critique! thanks for sharing
I beam at the sight || unsure how i feel about this opening. the speaker doesn't maintain a presence in any of the other sketches, and i don't think their smiling does much to establish a mood/the stark black & gold contrast in the landscape
of black Aráyat rising
amidst golden fields. || also i am an "amidst" hater in most contexts. subjective opinion, skill diff, etc.
When the river swells,
frogs dance in muddy water
or their legs in oil. || ugh almost an awesome turn/use of zeugma but i think it lands clunkily because specifying "their legs" breaks the parallel structure (though i do like how the l sounds in the last line fit with your choice of "swells" in the first). not sure how you'd fix it within syllable limits, admittedly
Pinatúbo's wrath
levelled cherished homes where now
the taláhib blooms. || probably the haiku i feel the most unsure about. i think "cherished homes" feels too detached for me for some reason? or maybe you can get more emotional impact out of this sketch by starting with the taláhib and then revealing the history behind the land? i also looked up what taláhib was and i'm sure that fields of it in certain light must be quite striking. any way you can incorporate more sensory imagery here?
With Christmas come lamps
coiled into colorful wheels,
distracting drivers. || good ending i think. i like the quietly playful tone of this haiku