(10-19-2026, 06:42 PM)matsunosuperfan Wrote: SilveradoHey Matsuno,
We get all of this terrible line break, why not just continue to the natural break at 'wrong'?
very wrong—nature and its names
I mean—okay, there are more gruesome sins 'I mean' should be cut
and I won’t take your whole life but would cut 'and', also ending on 'but' is weak move to next line or cut, IMO.
does even God’s must useless rock most?
deserve the weight of words, after all don't you mean 'names'? Not sure I like the non-sequitur of the turn
I met a careless squirrel
just today, she was a baby
running like a fever through the streets not a fan of 'fever', it's a non-sensical simile in this context
until of course could be cut and move 'she wasn't' up
she wasn't, and it struck me great enjambment here
with less force than it did her, and again
that Silverado
is a stupid name for anything
and so is squirrel, and 'and then', maybe end line with semicolon or emdash.
maybe she was dignified
as death made her a pancake, maybe a lot of language tightening could be done in these surrounding lines. maybe move 'as death' to previous line
in their language, her name 'her' language
means the sound of flowers opening, possibly 'possibly' weakens this line
we should reconsider
what could make a man hear someone singing maybe break at 'hear'
in the heartless dark seems a little cliche unless you cut 'heartless'
and call it mourning dove.
I really like the transition of theme within the poem. I think the turn seems a little contrived as written tho' it flows with edits from there.
Take care,
Bryn