Yesterday, 10:22 AM
The poem shows some obvious skill/craft - productive use of enjambment, interesting associative leaps, some reasonably well-executed slant rhymes and a good ear for cadence. These are all strengths that help the piece convince.
Ultimately though I still need a good deal more persuading. The title is kind of annoying and the poem doesn't disillusion me from this promise: it's hard not to feel this is all a bit kooky for its own sake. The title showing up near the end is an example of how this piece is operating too firmly in the domain of kitsch for my taste. I am intrigued by the tentacles but they don't ever really explain/justify themselves. Instead the speaker keeps getting increasingly carried away until we are almost just, like, having Tourette's on the theme (fur, scales, a monster a hippogriff!)
Then S3 gets further abstracted from any concrete occasion - we're crashing, I guess? Why are we crashing and why is it being romanticized? Why does the speaker nibble on some French all of a sudden?
Why repeat "terminal velocity" as "terminal escape" which seems more restatement than elaboration? "Open maw" is a cliche, as is "spinning out of orbit," as is the use of tango as such. Actually the ending is quite boring.
Ultimately though I still need a good deal more persuading. The title is kind of annoying and the poem doesn't disillusion me from this promise: it's hard not to feel this is all a bit kooky for its own sake. The title showing up near the end is an example of how this piece is operating too firmly in the domain of kitsch for my taste. I am intrigued by the tentacles but they don't ever really explain/justify themselves. Instead the speaker keeps getting increasingly carried away until we are almost just, like, having Tourette's on the theme (fur, scales, a monster a hippogriff!)
Then S3 gets further abstracted from any concrete occasion - we're crashing, I guess? Why are we crashing and why is it being romanticized? Why does the speaker nibble on some French all of a sudden?
Why repeat "terminal velocity" as "terminal escape" which seems more restatement than elaboration? "Open maw" is a cliche, as is "spinning out of orbit," as is the use of tango as such. Actually the ending is quite boring.