Crown Royal

[Harryd]

I had a conversation
with the stars tonight,
once I was
deep
into my bottle of Crown.

I tried to tell them
about how your
bottomless, carefree eyes
were velvet, I tried
to explain
the perfection of every
single eyelash and the
occaisional
dimple -

"she's so beautiful"
I told them, but they merely
replied that you
were just so many more
riddled cliches'
not worth their time
at all

I told them how your voice
was the burn of
Crown Royal over my tongue,
how the twitch of your hips
sang of lust
- seduction - beauty -

they said it wasn't anything
they hadn't heard before

I tried to explain to them
that you were my Cosmic Girl,
my Lunar baby -
I told them how you
kissed me
and it made everything okay

(most of the time).

It was the "most of the time"
that caught their
attention
actually -
they had been ready to
change the subject
when I said that, and
they wondered at what
I meant;

I groped for words to
tell them
of the pain you
accidentally cause, and make
excuses for -

I struggled to explain
about how you didn't
really
know me
that all we had was
lust and laughter -

The stars were silent
for a minute, and then
they told me...
that, that was all
anyone could ever ask for
in life...

They wouldn't speak to me
for the remainder of the night,
no matter how loudly
I screamed.
HD

Very uneven. Tries to do too much with irony and often ends up just feeling like weak apologetics ("If I say something about cliche, it makes it OK to use a bunch of cliches")

Poem is partly "we are so clever" but then seems to betray the speaker's genuine investment in garden variety self-pity and hackneyed "fiery affair" tropes. So the efforts at cleverness are ultimately unconvincing.

First stanza maybe the best, simple and feels real. Good rhythm. Evocative image and convincing vernacular l

S2-4 very hard to stay interested. Ready to tune out by end of S4. Speaker has convinced me I don't want to put my fate in their hands. They will say something boring and irritating like "the twitch of your hips sang with lust."

The "most of the time" digression is another highlight, though. Whenever the speaker becomes more conversational and less woebegone confessional, I get more interested. Maybe follow that energy and ditch some of the more melodramatic whiny bits.

Appreciate it, but this is just me and my thoughts, slightly intoxicated