6 hours ago
Love bunx's note, "things" --> "words" is a first-rate edit...
...EXCEPT that I misread his suggested ordering initially. I think it would be very cool to have it:
ill be choking
with the volume of the things
i never say
and crushed
by the weight of the words
i do not do
Agree with others that the embrace/hug language is weak: overly familiar, dangerously close to a treacly tone (inherited from misuse by other mouths, perhaps, but nonetheless our burden to bear) and not really necessary as this sensibility is implied by the surrounding contextÂ
Anyway it's a sharp poem with a clear emotional thrust and effective use of simple language. That said I feel it has a deceptive complexity of spirit beneath its surface. Good stuff. Maybe it could be even shorter.
...EXCEPT that I misread his suggested ordering initially. I think it would be very cool to have it:
ill be choking
with the volume of the things
i never say
and crushed
by the weight of the words
i do not do
Agree with others that the embrace/hug language is weak: overly familiar, dangerously close to a treacly tone (inherited from misuse by other mouths, perhaps, but nonetheless our burden to bear) and not really necessary as this sensibility is implied by the surrounding contextÂ
Anyway it's a sharp poem with a clear emotional thrust and effective use of simple language. That said I feel it has a deceptive complexity of spirit beneath its surface. Good stuff. Maybe it could be even shorter.