Easy on the Eyes

[alonso ramoran]

Hi Deor,

Not sure why there are duplicates in the forum, but, seeing that this one has more traffic, I'll add my two cents here.

my mama tells me 
under kitchens lights that
there is no empowerment in
desperation
in deprivation
there is no air in the ocean this line could be omitted
no strength in breathing
in leaving just to 
be vacant 
living is salvation

fear isn’t patient
it is the train
pulling into the station
the airplane you go in
when you are too young
to remember this seems too vague for an explanation of something as abstract as fear's impatience. i need something shocking here, a specific detail about these places, especially if this in any way preludes the point in the conversation that the reader is dropped into in the first stanza

it is the porch rays
in the aftermath of garden hose
to slippery to turn off
it blinks in the sunlight i think the speaker is wanting to refer to the water from the hose, but the "it" kinda misdirects the reader to think the speaker refers to the hose instead
repeating its last action until

there is breath
in the wind
like a lit match i think the issue with the garden hose image kinda repeats itself here. breath like a blown match is a reach. the speaker may have meant the smoke, which i think is what they tried to evoke in the next line but it is muddled by another action
blowing out
sometimes I try to catch smoke
heat is patient interesting, but will be more convincing after the similes are drafted more clearly

living is salvation
so I live for skull eyes skulls don't really have eyes; they have orbits, or sockets. so this construction does not work, imo
and the autumns leaves
like snakes coiled
up in the wind this line comes close to repeating s4l2, and without clear intention
with eyes of moonlight

Thank you for sharing!