39 minutes ago
(7 hours ago)Deor Ana Log Wrote: my mama tells meLovely structure and great flow. My only major critique is that the middle stanzas feel slightly disconnected from the beginning & end.
under kitchens lights that strong scene setting
there is no empowerment in
desperation
in deprivation
there is no air in the ocean these lines flow really well,
no strength in breathing but I don't think I get how they are connected to rest of the verse
in leaving just to
be vacant lovely, but this feels like it should be just one line - in leaving just to be vacant - or maybe - in living / just to be vacant - if you want to keep the caesura. Idk, could also be good that it breaks up the rhythm for emphasis.
fear isn’t patient refrain B -- hell yeah
it is the train
pulling into the station
the airplane you go in
when you are too young
to remember this slaps. Great original imagery to convey the urgency of fear
it is the porch rays
in the aftermath of garden hose
to slippery to turn off typo?
it blinks in the sunlight
repeating its last action until
there is breath
in the wind
like a lit match
blowing out
sometimes I try to catch smoke
heat is patient again, really like the 2 refrain structure. Maybe there is some connective tissue missing between the two concepts ("living is salvation" and "[...] is/isn't patient") though? Almost feels like two different poems.
living is salvation
so I live for skull eyes skull eyes? So... eyes? i can't decide if I think it's good funny or bad funny. a less weird (maybe more boring) phrasing might be something like -- so I live for the sight / of the autumn leaves -- I get that skull eyes and eyes of moonlight go together but it still made me chuckle.
and the autumns leaves cliché, but I like it in this context. The speaker's salvation is in the mundane/everyday clichéd beauty of the world -- in the living itself
like snakes coiled
up in the wind
with eyes of moonlight