08-27-2026, 01:47 AM
I don't often "live tweet" a poem but damn, those first three lines are very convincing, I'm in
the internal rhyme of "lavenDERED with DREAMS" is so smooth and justifies, for me (along with the precision of image) the lofty tone
aw mannnn the rest of S1 is markedly less awesome
"sand castles crumbled to the tide" is a cliche invoked without enough obvious subversion for my taste
"could not abide beyond, bloodshit vigil"... I'm now annoyed with the speaker, who sounds pretentious and opaque
"a cycle... returned inside" I gots no clue what we are on about but it feels laborious and hyperromantic in a way I resist
the clothesline is a cool image, I like the gesture at the end - though I still mostly just can't vibe with the tone/language
dissipating clouds, fading moons, dawn, raiments, oceans... this is "wake me when it's over" lexicon, for me. I'll need a lot of convincing for such a vocabulary to come alive.
"the windswept past recalled us" is the kind of line that only lands if you've just shot the fucking moon. bravo for ambition. it's a strong line floating in a lot of weak gestural cruft.
I think you're just following the associative impulse too faithfully. A good problem to have.
What if after the first three lines, instead of drilling down on unmoored vagueness only remotely intelligible to themselves, the speaker sets some concrete context?
We blinked like sleep could be denied,
when bedtime surfaced from the ocean floor
and lavendered with dreams the sky we wore.
You fold yourself into the tide as if the grit
in bathing suits is never enough. How many times
I looked at you and wanted to say anything.
--
idk I'm just blabbing but you know what I mean? Instead of just launching us into this stream of context-free symbolism and generalized action ("a cycle... clouds dissipated..." which cycle? which clouds? where what when why how?)
the internal rhyme of "lavenDERED with DREAMS" is so smooth and justifies, for me (along with the precision of image) the lofty tone
aw mannnn the rest of S1 is markedly less awesome
"sand castles crumbled to the tide" is a cliche invoked without enough obvious subversion for my taste
"could not abide beyond, bloodshit vigil"... I'm now annoyed with the speaker, who sounds pretentious and opaque
"a cycle... returned inside" I gots no clue what we are on about but it feels laborious and hyperromantic in a way I resist
the clothesline is a cool image, I like the gesture at the end - though I still mostly just can't vibe with the tone/language
dissipating clouds, fading moons, dawn, raiments, oceans... this is "wake me when it's over" lexicon, for me. I'll need a lot of convincing for such a vocabulary to come alive.
"the windswept past recalled us" is the kind of line that only lands if you've just shot the fucking moon. bravo for ambition. it's a strong line floating in a lot of weak gestural cruft.
I think you're just following the associative impulse too faithfully. A good problem to have.
What if after the first three lines, instead of drilling down on unmoored vagueness only remotely intelligible to themselves, the speaker sets some concrete context?
We blinked like sleep could be denied,
when bedtime surfaced from the ocean floor
and lavendered with dreams the sky we wore.
You fold yourself into the tide as if the grit
in bathing suits is never enough. How many times
I looked at you and wanted to say anything.
--
idk I'm just blabbing but you know what I mean? Instead of just launching us into this stream of context-free symbolism and generalized action ("a cycle... clouds dissipated..." which cycle? which clouds? where what when why how?)