2 hours ago
Hey shady,
I like the prose/poetry format of this piece. I think it allows the speaker to use the repeated word (jersey) without fear of tiring out the word. I think having the poem broken up into smaller lines might call too much attention to the repeated word with each line it reappears in, which could risk messing with the poem's pace. That said, it feels like a heartfelt dedication to one's hometown, with some nice imagery and turns of phrases. Other phrases, for instance: "my voice--route 22--fast, nonstop; my hair october leaves", "retrieving her after all", sound like they have a nice idea but I think require more clarification or a reordering of syntax, as I'm not entirely sure what they are trying to say.
I like the prose/poetry format of this piece. I think it allows the speaker to use the repeated word (jersey) without fear of tiring out the word. I think having the poem broken up into smaller lines might call too much attention to the repeated word with each line it reappears in, which could risk messing with the poem's pace. That said, it feels like a heartfelt dedication to one's hometown, with some nice imagery and turns of phrases. Other phrases, for instance: "my voice--route 22--fast, nonstop; my hair october leaves", "retrieving her after all", sound like they have a nice idea but I think require more clarification or a reordering of syntax, as I'm not entirely sure what they are trying to say.
(07-19-2026, 10:59 AM)shady Wrote:Thank you for sharing!i got hurt in jersey. dirty jersey. my body is a map of jersey; it erodes and grows--environmental changes (environmental changes sounds kinda like a throwaway phrase. i think it is an opportunity to get more specific). from a little girl wearing a jersey on an earthy grass pitch, to a taller girl in a treatment facility in dover, new jersey. and i wasn't born in jersey but raised here. here in jersey i had lemonade stands, finished grade school, and tasted my first bitterly-sweet (the more common "bittersweet" works just as fine) drop of liquor.my body is a map of jersey. not flat, not mountainous. my voice--route 22--fast, nonstop; my hair october leaves. my tears and emotions the jersey shore, salty and a little bit sweet.jerseys got a bad rep, mean, blunt, beat. condemnation prior to consideration because jerseys(apostrophe needed) the place to be. she's not perfect--thunder claps--she falls not strong nor tall. but wind blows and waves smack sand, retrieving her after all.my body is a map of jersey, dirty, hurt, and beautiful; from a little girl to a taller one, seasons, roads, wind, and waves, i am jersey through and through.