Yesterday, 01:25 PM
I believe you generally favor continuing feminine endings with decapitated lines, so I won't note those.
As age infuses every thing
from pain in hips to length of stride
one cannot help but wonder which
things one will not experience–
the trip to France, the Eschaton–
and even more, such places as
one’s been, but was that time
the last? On the one hand, the syllable count of these final lines gradually increases---from two to three to four---but on the other hand, I would prefer it if this one was also in dimeter, say "the very last".
Will I see Dallas once again,
or twice, or never? Who can say
if I will fly the stratosphere,
a passenger, to see Seattle
or Cape Kennedy, as once was, I suppose this is meant to read "OR cape KENneDY, as ONCE was," but I more naturally put the stress on "was", since the verb completes the phrase's sense.
or the Statue on its fortress,
Liberty, or Death come first, Liberty placed here implies that the fortress, not the Statue, is called Liberty; on the other hand, "Liberty or death". I'm still missing "will" right before come, even if I get that it's supposed to be there. Finally, the last punctuation mark might be better as something else, than as a comma.
to know is to have finished, making
questions moot?
But still, I wonder if that shadow,
Love, I’ve missed so many times
unnoticed, will expose itself
or keep on hiding just beyond
my blind eyes shrouded with a pride It's unclear to me if it's the "eyes" or "Love" which is "shrouded with a pride".
which veils its insufficiency Likewise, it's unclear to me if it's the "pride" or whatever it may shroud that is here insufficient, so that ultimately I can't quite make sense of this final strophe.
until too late.
The lack of clarity in the final strophe is what makes me incapable of giving this an overall judgement. The sentiments of the first two strophes are plain enough (and it doesn't seem like the second strophe is antithetical enough to the first to count as an antistrophe), but the third is a shadow, and it seems that it's what should make this piece more than a mere sketch.
As age infuses every thing
from pain in hips to length of stride
one cannot help but wonder which
things one will not experience–
the trip to France, the Eschaton–
and even more, such places as
one’s been, but was that time
the last? On the one hand, the syllable count of these final lines gradually increases---from two to three to four---but on the other hand, I would prefer it if this one was also in dimeter, say "the very last".
Will I see Dallas once again,
or twice, or never? Who can say
if I will fly the stratosphere,
a passenger, to see Seattle
or Cape Kennedy, as once was, I suppose this is meant to read "OR cape KENneDY, as ONCE was," but I more naturally put the stress on "was", since the verb completes the phrase's sense.
or the Statue on its fortress,
Liberty, or Death come first, Liberty placed here implies that the fortress, not the Statue, is called Liberty; on the other hand, "Liberty or death". I'm still missing "will" right before come, even if I get that it's supposed to be there. Finally, the last punctuation mark might be better as something else, than as a comma.
to know is to have finished, making
questions moot?
But still, I wonder if that shadow,
Love, I’ve missed so many times
unnoticed, will expose itself
or keep on hiding just beyond
my blind eyes shrouded with a pride It's unclear to me if it's the "eyes" or "Love" which is "shrouded with a pride".
which veils its insufficiency Likewise, it's unclear to me if it's the "pride" or whatever it may shroud that is here insufficient, so that ultimately I can't quite make sense of this final strophe.
until too late.
The lack of clarity in the final strophe is what makes me incapable of giving this an overall judgement. The sentiments of the first two strophes are plain enough (and it doesn't seem like the second strophe is antithetical enough to the first to count as an antistrophe), but the third is a shadow, and it seems that it's what should make this piece more than a mere sketch.