Yesterday, 04:14 PM
I like that this conforms not just to having a volta and a seasonal word (harvest, or perhaps apples), but also to five-seven-five---now if only you rhymed, as the one book on Japanese haiku I've read was wont to translate its examples.
That said, the volta feels....weak. It's completely expected by the end, so that that one word, "sour", isn't concrete enough to add to the rest of the piece. At the same time, there are a few redundancies. You could maybe cut "people", you can definitely cut "in harvest", you could maybe also cut "want"....Reducing each line by one syllable, for example:
The colour-blind
pick apples for sweetness:
puckered faces.
That said, the volta feels....weak. It's completely expected by the end, so that that one word, "sour", isn't concrete enough to add to the rest of the piece. At the same time, there are a few redundancies. You could maybe cut "people", you can definitely cut "in harvest", you could maybe also cut "want"....Reducing each line by one syllable, for example:
The colour-blind
pick apples for sweetness:
puckered faces.