7 hours ago
Some brief notes:
Afaik this is IP, or at least Accentual Pentameter, for four lines, then a tetrameter every fifth, but there are so many instances of acephalous lines with feminine endings that instead of IP a stricter reader would consider this to be Trochaic instead---indeed, you might wish to go with Trochaic, if you're not going with plain Accentual, as in the translation of the Kalevala I've encountered.
L5 could be read as Accentual Pentameter if "new kid" is considered a spondee, but I prefer to read it as an iamb.
L7 has a noteworthy 'distortion' in "following", as it's more normally read as a dactyl rather than an amphibrach.
L8 is weird in the context of L4. L4, with the regular rhythm established by previous lines, naturally reads "HER young SLAVE", so one is inclined to read the start of L8 as "HIS own DREAMS", but no, the pattern is instead "his OWN dreams". You might want to change one line or the other.
L10 is an argument for plain Accentual: "inspiring him to join Marines" is far less idiomatic than "inspiring him to join the Marines".
Rhyme scheme is very roughly ABACCDDAEE, which is kinda awkward. Indeed, if you're looking to do a strict form with a rhyme scheme, might I suggest taking a look at Spenser's The Faerie Queene, which I am currently reading: ABABBCBCC, IP every line but the final alexandrine....
As for content....well, if this really is the intro, then maybe an invocation is in order? Though that formalism aside, you could definitely expand the action into a few more stanzas.
Afaik this is IP, or at least Accentual Pentameter, for four lines, then a tetrameter every fifth, but there are so many instances of acephalous lines with feminine endings that instead of IP a stricter reader would consider this to be Trochaic instead---indeed, you might wish to go with Trochaic, if you're not going with plain Accentual, as in the translation of the Kalevala I've encountered.
L5 could be read as Accentual Pentameter if "new kid" is considered a spondee, but I prefer to read it as an iamb.
L7 has a noteworthy 'distortion' in "following", as it's more normally read as a dactyl rather than an amphibrach.
L8 is weird in the context of L4. L4, with the regular rhythm established by previous lines, naturally reads "HER young SLAVE", so one is inclined to read the start of L8 as "HIS own DREAMS", but no, the pattern is instead "his OWN dreams". You might want to change one line or the other.
L10 is an argument for plain Accentual: "inspiring him to join Marines" is far less idiomatic than "inspiring him to join the Marines".
Rhyme scheme is very roughly ABACCDDAEE, which is kinda awkward. Indeed, if you're looking to do a strict form with a rhyme scheme, might I suggest taking a look at Spenser's The Faerie Queene, which I am currently reading: ABABBCBCC, IP every line but the final alexandrine....
As for content....well, if this really is the intro, then maybe an invocation is in order? Though that formalism aside, you could definitely expand the action into a few more stanzas.