07-13-2026, 04:09 AM
Hello - a couple in-line suggestions:
Intersection With Unborn Child
What is time
to you now,
little soul? Are you behind
the bright unblinking eye
of this fat crow perhaps 'that lone crow' ?
nursing a heel of bread perhaps 'pecking' - babies may nurse, but crows peck. Period after 'bread'
I watch so long
I lose track of myself, missing
the small red hand I'm not quite getting the 'red' of the hand. This S. seems to lead awkwardly into the next S. Not sure how to solve it without messing with the tercet form
that means it’s safe
to cross? Good people I see how the ? ends the question, but it feels out of place (solved by that period after 'bread')
come over to watch me
watch the windows interesting repetition of 'watch"
all night long, blow kisses
to the wind. With love
they warn me
not to waste my life
looking for signs, you his lead-in to the next line diffuses some of the power of the final S.
who I can always find maybe 'yet' instead of 'who'?
between my ribs
and the stars. way cool last S.
I get from the title that you almost miss the DON'T WALK sign at an intersection, yet the change of setting from there to looking out the window needs to be clearer. That, or leave the intersection out, and re-work the middle section. Just suggestions, for an otherwise strong poem...
... Mark
Intersection With Unborn Child
What is time
to you now,
little soul? Are you behind
the bright unblinking eye
of this fat crow perhaps 'that lone crow' ?
nursing a heel of bread perhaps 'pecking' - babies may nurse, but crows peck. Period after 'bread'
I watch so long
I lose track of myself, missing
the small red hand I'm not quite getting the 'red' of the hand. This S. seems to lead awkwardly into the next S. Not sure how to solve it without messing with the tercet form
that means it’s safe
to cross? Good people I see how the ? ends the question, but it feels out of place (solved by that period after 'bread')
come over to watch me
watch the windows interesting repetition of 'watch"
all night long, blow kisses
to the wind. With love
they warn me
not to waste my life
looking for signs, you his lead-in to the next line diffuses some of the power of the final S.
who I can always find maybe 'yet' instead of 'who'?
between my ribs
and the stars. way cool last S.
I get from the title that you almost miss the DON'T WALK sign at an intersection, yet the change of setting from there to looking out the window needs to be clearer. That, or leave the intersection out, and re-work the middle section. Just suggestions, for an otherwise strong poem...
... Mark