06-26-2026, 05:22 AM
Hi Buster - Thank you! for taking the time to read and comment on my poem. I will consider your comments when I approach any rewrite. BTW -
He weeps for his daughter,
who sings and thrives
on every fruit of the tree,
knowing she will die
without words.
He weeps for his daughter,
who sings and thrives
on every fruit of the tree,
knowing she will die
without words.
(06-25-2026, 08:03 PM)busker Wrote: The poem has a lot of images. It does a good job of showing
What I have a problem with is the narrative
I can’t link the trash man to the various scenes, to the tree and so forth. Why a trash man? Why would he weep? Why does he pop up everywhere? I’m sure the answer is there if I think about it enough, but the poem is too diffuse and vague to make me want to do that. It’s word pictures, but the poetry is lacking
Chromium-coated
hubcaps and bumpers
turn in the sun,
brightly painted boxes
and dull plastic sheets
flail in the wind,
kitchen utensils dangle
on long wires, a window
frame rests crooked.
Like this. The line endings are random and it’s a list. A mildly interesting list, perhaps.