The story is wonderful, moments illustrated well, with clear imagery and sounds and smells and feels, IMO. Very relatable. Oh, "Little Things" works for me.
I'll say upfront I have never been much at critique - I dislike telling folks, particularly talented writers, how they should express themselves, but I have benefitted very much from other perspectives so I will give it a go to hopefully set the karma aright.
I'm leaning toward replacing the "you's" with "I, me, my" as appropriate - I think this poem would have more impact on me personally.
Isn’t this the way it is
after 25 years
lying next to each other
when one stirs, the other
half-awake murmurs
in her half-awake voice - a?
hmmm, good night sweetie
and you turn
your face in her hair wondering
is it the shampoo or perfume,
Antonio’s Flowers? - good for the senses!
that makes you think of nothing
but her blue eyes, how she held you
in that first gaze a little too long
and that unexpected laugh
when she learned your mother
and her favorite doll
had the same name. I love you - beautifully done here - "I love you had/the same name" - fantastic writing imo!
you say to the back of her head
to the sound of even breathing
bodies two peninsulas separated - comma after bodies or breathing?
by a sea of pets, all drifting into sleep
Isn’t that the way it is? - feel this line unnecessary
I'll say upfront I have never been much at critique - I dislike telling folks, particularly talented writers, how they should express themselves, but I have benefitted very much from other perspectives so I will give it a go to hopefully set the karma aright.
I'm leaning toward replacing the "you's" with "I, me, my" as appropriate - I think this poem would have more impact on me personally.
Isn’t this the way it is
after 25 years
lying next to each other
when one stirs, the other
half-awake murmurs
in her half-awake voice - a?
hmmm, good night sweetie
and you turn
your face in her hair wondering
is it the shampoo or perfume,
Antonio’s Flowers? - good for the senses!
that makes you think of nothing
but her blue eyes, how she held you
in that first gaze a little too long
and that unexpected laugh
when she learned your mother
and her favorite doll
had the same name. I love you - beautifully done here - "I love you had/the same name" - fantastic writing imo!
you say to the back of her head
to the sound of even breathing
bodies two peninsulas separated - comma after bodies or breathing?
by a sea of pets, all drifting into sleep
Isn’t that the way it is? - feel this line unnecessary