Small Memoriam - edit2

[milo]

edit2;

Small Memoriam II


He was no pet:  a common long-tailed mouse
who got inside somehow, but in my house
that little presence made me feel unkind
for plotting his demise.  He’d watch behind
me as I typed until I saw him, too,
then flee when noticed.  Though I hatched a few
ideas how to catch him, he was smart–
he’d lick the bait from traps but always dart
away on weightless feet, uncaught and free,
declined a private room (my live-catch trap),
approved noir cinema, left tiny crap
on floors, chewed into food up on a shelf
above my head. I couldn’t help myself,
and, being human, bought technology:
glue pads eluded prey psychology.

I see him from the corner of my eye–
his ghost, it must be, mouse that had to die.
And that is best for him and me, I lie.

---

Thanks to all the additional critics.  I'm reserving the first edit (partly because @wasellajam like it), but have tried to implement the criticisms and suggestions here.  Including a modified limited hang-out of how I got the little guy but reserving the ugly details.

Frankly, I liked this better when it was a bit lighter - that's probably why I put it in Basic.  It now seems kind of flat, though there's still some padding in evidence.

Going to go through it a few times but you are latching on to something I think we have discussed a few times here before without much resolution:  There is a spark that sometimes births a poem and it feels (certainly to the creator) to embody that energy - that spark of creation.  Many times when we revise (especially since we may be taking the input of others further from that spark) it starts to feel flat.

As a writer, I have certainly felt it myself when I get too far from what first ignited the desire to write it.  Fortunately, you never really lose the earlier version and you can go back, you can have both, etc.  My opinion - if you don't enjoy reading it yourself, it will never work.

Also, you can pluralize both crap and trap to eliminate that grammar error.

Will return