No title yet [Little Things]

[matsunosuperfan]

edit posted

Good edits. Like it better than before. Still feels a bit flat to me, I'm afraid. Still mostly just "nice" despite my efforts to mine more depth of feeling. 
Think it should be shorter or considerably different and perhaps a bit longer. Needs either an injection of complicating sensibility, or to be trimmed of cruft and distilled for intensity of feeling. I can see this working out in final form as one of those WCW style "shot of moment" things:

The Nightingales
by William Carlos Williams 

My shoes as I lean
unlacing them
stand out upon
flat worsted flowers
under my feet.
Nimbly the shadows
of my fingers play
unlacing
over shoes and flowers.

---

after 25 years 
when one stirs, the other
murmurs

in her half-awake voice
and you turn
your face in her hair 
 
is it the shampoo or 
Antonio’s Flowers?
that perfume 

makes you think of nothing
but blue eyes, how she held you
in that first gaze just a little

too long, and that unexpected laugh
when your mother
and her favorite doll

shared a name. you say it 
to the back of her head,
to the sound of even breathing

bodies
two peninsulas separated
by a sea of pets
--

for instance, I find something like this much more suggestive and impactful