Hypersphere tattoo

[matsunosuperfan]

you kept a five-sided star just east of your reach. compelling opener, pleasant soft internal rhyme

You said each night it will ignite before the morning wakes. less convinced by this night/ignite rhyme which for me calls too much attention to itself. "the morning wakes" is nice.

Yet rivers of silver galaxies entwine nature's fragile countenance, purple/poemy
where a gravity yet to be theorized is all I understand  it's interesting figuration, but I resist the Latinate diction 
when I look into your eyes. cliche
I remember how you moved within the gyres, 
tiny snowstorms, black on white, 
temples softly drawn— a tether of snow in a tremble of time, I really like "a tremble of time"
stepping in, stepping out, every moment, every fall, every rise. not sure how effective this parallelism is - I'm pretty lost as to what it refers to
Facing one another, *will our voices intertwine?* purple/poemy
Or will they only learn to fly alone to open sky, feels cliche-adjacent 
past every roof beam, past the horizon line, this imagery fails to excite me, and it feels like I am meant to be excited
with your laughter, my foolish pantomime, "foolish pantomime" is compelling; I'd like to see this aspect of sense foregrounded more prominently in anticipation of this line
and the infinite ways a rainbow's singularity aligns in your smile? overwritten/purple
I cannot forget, cannot turn away, cannot remember flight. think you're maybe a little too enamored of parallel structure  
I do not know how to begin the end, 
how to say goodbye. cliche

Hello poets, I'm new here and sort of new to writing in this fashion but would like some criticism on this before I decide to give it to someone. Thank you very much! Michael.

Hi Michael, welcome! Hope you enjoy your time here. I think this poem has strong parts and weak parts; recommend cutting the fat and reworking as you see fit. 
What I liked best: when the speaker makes new language to describe particular emotions
What I'm most unsure about: places where the speaker seems to get carried away and lose control of the diction, or risks becoming precious and gushy