grapefruit II

[matsunosuperfan]

It's many many months later, but I thought i'd share my revised version.


grapefruit II

i pour sugar onto grapefruit
i don't like its bitter taste
once isn't enough;
still bitter underneath

that's why i don't eat grapefruit
and yet i still wait for you
and open wide when offered
craving sucrose

your sweet words smother
the hurt you gave me
but it lingers –
that bitter aftertaste

i hate my tongue
for how it craves
your taste – you;
like thick nectar

when you leave again
i’m left eating peel
mouth full of pith
still wanting more

Hi, I love how concentrated and focused this poem is. The conceit is punchy and suggestive without becoming kitschy. The short line mostly works, for me. It's got good rhythm. 

I feel like this could still be pretty dramatically compressed which would open more space for complication and extension beyond the immediate implications of the occasion. This one, to me, could really start to sing if it could get off the triggering subject a bit more and get out of its own way en route to full-throated lyricism. For instance, how much sense (or music, for that matter) do we really lose if the current sculpture is stripped down to something like: 

no matter how much sugar
i pour onto grapefruit, it's still bitter
underneath

that's why i don't eat it
and still wait for you
and open wide when offered

the words you gave me 
linger at the back 
of my throat

i hate my tongue
for how it craves
you like thick nectar

when you leave
again i’m left chewing peel
mouth full of pith
--

and now if you want you can think about a secondary thread to interlace between the pearls. I mean like, people can't eat grapefruit with certain meds, right? and there's these associations with the elderly and depressing breakfast. or the way every language seems to have reserved one of its most enjoyable words for "grapefruit," except English.... anyway I quite like what you've made here, thank you for sharing your work with me <3