3 hours ago
Hi, bryn, a lovely read.
(Yesterday, 11:49 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: Isn’t that the way it isThanks for posting this, I enjoyed the read.
after 25 years
lying next to each other
You might consider 25 Years as a title.
The way it is:
(something atmospheric)
lying next to each other
one stirring, the other
half-awake murmuring
in her half-awake voice
good night sweetie
and you turn
your face in her hair
I like "one stirring", makes it clear that it's not just one coming to bed later, I think that's why I'd like L2 to bring me into the dark room.
only to get lost again in her scent
shampoo and perfume
Antonio’s Flowers you think
in that moment for a moment
you are nothing but blue eyes
moving across the lobby holding
you in her gaze just long enough
to undo you, and the belly laugh
when she learned your mother
and her favorite doll growing up
had the same name. I love you
you say to the back of her head
The first "you" (you are nothing but blue eyes) is confusing, can't parse it. Other than that these lines are strong, the feeling of being undone in that first moment, the sound of her belly laugh (her ability to belly laugh) and the hilarious mother/doll thing.
to the sound of even breathing
your legs two peninsulas separated
by a sea of pets as you drift into sleep
Love the sea of pets.
Isn’t that the way it is?
I don't think you need this line, the reader knows, and it doesn't seem like this couple needs our reassurance.


