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[matsunosuperfan]

Isn’t that the way it is
after 25 years
lying next to each other unnecessary prologue, not immediately engaging and the language is flat. stronger without! 
  
one stirring, the other
half-awake murmuring
in her half-awake voice  effective use of repetition!
 
good night sweetie
and you turn
your face in her hair   a simple detail, nicely phrased

[only to get lost again in her scent] cliche; rephrase
shampoo and perfume
Antonio’s Flowers you think
 
in that moment for a moment
you are nothing but blue eyes
moving across the lobby holding  this is compelling enough language, but I find the implied action confusing. who is blue eyes? what does it mean to be nothing but blue eyes moving across the lobby? 
 
you in her gaze just long enough
to [undo you,] and [the belly laugh] more cliches that don't seem to be repurposed or recontextualized enough to justify their presence
when she learned your mother
 
and her favorite doll growing up
had the same name. I love you  hard to avoid feeling that things are getting pretty wet :/ 
you say to the back of her head  
 
to the sound of even breathing
your legs two peninsulas separated
by a sea of pets as you drift into sleep this is sweet, and I like the use of metaphor
 
Isn’t that the way it is? for me, much more impactful if unanticipated

I like the mood and lingering rhythm of this poem. I think it needs another thread of significance to be really convincing; at present, it feels like something that would be nice to receive as a love note of sorts, but I struggle to plumb more depth. Not that a poem need be more than a love note, but I like the idea of asking "isn't this how it is?"--but that gesture, I think, wants a meatier bone of sense to chew on. The whole project is dangerously familiar in tone and language, so I think something needs to shake things up and complicate the expected trajectories of either diction or image or sentiment--preferably all of the above. The "two peninsulas" and the "sea of pets" were my favorite moments, I think no coincidence that this is where the speaker finds the most novel figuration and brings the occasion more vividly into their own lexicon. 

But yeah - if the point is to ask, "Isn't that the way it is?" I think we want and deserve a more fulsome or at least a more provocative suggestion of what "the way" here consists in. Like, I think if it's more than just the bare facts of the occasion, that would be great. We get some breadcrumbs in that direction from the mother's favorite doll, but it's still scant eating. I'm interested, invested even, and would love to be offered more food. 

Thanks for sharing your work with me <3