The Beach at Eighteen

[Sean Puckett]

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I thought this was a lovely, intimate, clear-eyed portrait of a moment and its resonance across space and time. My first impulse is to compress. By way of suggestion, a trimming/reshaping:

Tides of air on sun 
washed skin. I am eighteen and she 
holds my eyes 
to make my cheeks flush. 

Her rhythmic exhales 
comforting. I have to hug my knees 
to my pulse seated at the edge of her 
fingers tapping and crawling until 

my feet are wet. 
I am eighteen and she 
is playful, winking light along 
her surface. Coy, patient 

goddess. She can hear 
my panting up against 
my legs. I am excited to be
afraid. To dance in her. Breath

catching in my throat
when she pulls at my waist— 
Love me. It is not 
a request. 

I am eighteen and she 
is yanking at my body when 
she kisses up my throat, our chests 
heaving together. A gasp swept 

underneath. Only to burst
from her, soaked in her. Eyes 
to the dying sun. The horizon 
is on fire. My lungs 

draw it in. I am eighteen and she 
embraces me. Life has no weight. 
Her world, a languid amber. Time unwound 
and dizzying. 

My axis 
twisted slowly. 
My world 
dissolved in her. 

When she is finished 
with me, her fingers coax 
away. When my muscles burn 
inside my skin. Returning me 

to the beach. My exhausted body 
laying dark under the sky. Hair sticking 
to my face. Palms sinking 
into the sand. 
--

Thank you for sharing your work with me <3

---

Another thought I just had: it could be cool to shift to the collective pronoun at the end:

When she is finished 
with me, her fingers coax 
away. When muscles burn 
inside our skin. Returning us 

to the beach.  Our exhausted body 
laying dark under the sky. Hair sticking 
to our face. Palms sinking 
into the sand. 

I really appreciate the feedback. It’s adding to more contemplation on my part. Frankly, much of my work ends up being something I have to look at through the lens of “what can I cut from this. What can be chiseled away. Be succinct”    I do thank you for your suggestions. I hope soon to post my updated version. I will also very strongly ponder the inversion of pronouns. It’s a very intriguing idea!