Katka

[busker]

From NaPM and I think I still like it so...

Katka

I once loved a girl from Slovakia,
as rugged as the Tatras 
she swirled with Slavic snow. ..... I don't like the alliteration here, sounds like a marketing brochure

She called me miláčik,  ..... nice. authentic.
"let's fly to Praha and twirl  ..... I don't like 'twirl', it's so cliched
 beneath gothic spires"

So past the saints
Baroque on the bridge
we bumbled around 
cobbled Bohemian streets
until we found ourselves
next to the astronomical clock.  ..... nice scene setting

"They blinded the maker" you told me;  ..... The change in person is strange. I get that the second half of the poem works better with the second person, though.
as skeleton death struck the hour,  ..... nice
"cities make me tired, I'm going home."  ..... nice

In Slovak mountains
we walked onto frozen lakes
and you taught me the words 
for icicle and rainbow.

One day we found
a blind dog
in a snow storm 
walking in circles.
We took him back
to help him get warm
but he died and you said,

"Life makes me tired, I'm going home."  ..... I don't understand the ending. Did she kill herself? Why? Not enough background. I don't like it. I like the idea of the refrain, so don't get rid of it entirely

Hi Ambroisial - I think this is a fine poem with all its flaws, that shouldn't be over-edited or it'll lose its charm. My biggest complaint is the ending itself, not the structure or the buildup.