Tock - edit

[JohnS]

Tock


Have you ever walked into a room
or simply found yourself alone in one,
unable to remember why you’re there
or what it was you were supposed to do?

But then an inkling comes and you recall
a reason you’d have gone there and a smile
of self-congratulation forms until
you recollect that she should be there, too.

original version;

Have you ever walked into a room
or simply found yourself alone in one,
unable to remember why you came there
or what it was you were supposed to do?

But then an inkling comes and you recall
a reason you’d have gone there and a glow
of self-congratulation warms your heart
until your head reminds you she has died.

Trying to get back into iambic, and away from geography.

This version reads well to me. However, the meter is controlling the dialogue a bit too obviously in places. I suppose this is inevitable when writing in iambic. How would I know, I'm a poetry babe in arms?!
The payoff line in this version is a huge improvement, but I do feel it's a stretch to connect the "why did I come into this room" idea with a missing loved one so directly. I think there's an opportunity for another stanza, adding another instance where the loss is remembered.
Sorry, I'm prattling on inexpertly.