Watching cars drive by.

[wasellajam]

Hi, James, a lot to like here. The poem sets a mood and has some strong images and enjoyable language.

Not too sure about the title, but I think this isn't too bad. What do ya think? Cars with those names were very common in the UK in the seventies.



Watching cars drive by.


It was a very Seventies light.
The trees wore it like a mantle,
a hint, a tint, of Naples yellow,
a yellow like painted honey.
"Seventies light" confuses me, the light was different that decade? L2/3 give me that early spring budding halo but L4 is all Tell, what is painted honey? If it's honey in a painting give me that, and yellow is off for honey for me.

A car drove by, as cars are wont to do,
an old car, though this century, I don't think you need this line.
not the old that I remember,
the cars of my dreaming. Possibly "dreams:"
Allegro, Grenada, Fiesta, Capri,
exotically suggestive,
unreliable, constructed from
tin, hope, and disappointment, I like this whole sequence, maybe with the exception of "tin" which works in its line but not really with cars for me.
you used to say,
when you were still here to say it.

I sat and watched other cars go by,
I'd prefer "sit" closer to "bench", Other cars go by, I'm on a bench...
on a bench between
two unhappy trees
that clung on to the particularly weak break.
side of the smoky tarmac,
held up by desperate grass
and angry weeds.
These five lines are a strong image. Though I can get desperate vs angry, "unhappy trees" is off, maybe something describing them as malnourished.
Chipping at the peeling paint
with my ink-stained fingers,
revealing the old wood
hidden underneath.
Another strong image and metaphor, you might avoid the double -ing with "to reveal".

Chipping, chipping,ave more impact.[/b]
ancient paint that lodged
there like jewelled insects,
desperate to burrow
into the meat of my fingers.
Very dramatic, I was with you until "meat of my fingers", a step too far for me.

The cars kept driving by,
as they are wont to do,
low sunlight slipping Nice line and image.
over quivering metal skin, I'm not a fan of "quivering", I get the idea and image, it just seems not quite the right word.
in that Seventies afternoon light. I still have the same issue with this.
Accidents waiting to happen,
you used to say,
when you were still here to say it.

I hope my notes help a bit. Thanks for posting it, I'm enjoying the read.