Havana

[JohnS]

Havana,


A worn-out diva dressed to look fine, first setting a performance venue, must be a metaphor for the city
still on the stage
but forgetting her lines. All flair

A ’56 Chevy made to look new, very american
running quite well
‘till the head gasket blew second hand, different setting though, maybe a metaphor for the people

A mural of Che in his beret, different person now, who is wearing the beret?
waving his fist,
slowly fading away contrasting the car and the diva, also fading

Crumbling facades on tired avenues the rhythm is clunky here id write 'crumbling facades, worn avenues' still kinda stretched though
and unpaved streets
where the kids have no shoes, I appreciate the sentiment but bored with the result, kids have no shoes is in every song, is there anything else about the streets? Unrest? Filth? 

Somewhere a horn is blowing the blues why the blues?

I can feel the atmosphere, that might be enough for you, or you could make more scenes and paint a big picture, sorry it's more than basic but I think it's got potential

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. Food for thought.

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Havana,


A worn-out diva dressed to look fine,
still on the stage
but forgetting her lines.

A ’56 Chevy made to look new,
running quite well
‘till the head gasket blew

A mural of Che in his beret,
waving his fist,
slowly fading away

Crumbling facades on tired avenues
and unpaved streets
where the kids have no shoes,

Somewhere a horn is blowing the blues

In basic critique, I have to say that this captured the spirit of present-day Havana beautifully.  That is, I read the title and everything fit (except that, traditionally, the car would be constructed from parts of several years' and several manufacturers' products).

The rhyme scheme is simple, and doesn't get in the way; following it through in the last line is almost too much, a little too sweet for purpose.

Nitpicks:  it's  'til  (no second L) unless you're trying to drag it out ("tillllll.....") which you're not, there.

Here's an idea:  move "Havana" down from title to after the last line, letting the reader decode the place from the description before confirming it.  You'd need a new title, though, something suggesting frozen or abandoned in time.

Thanks for your critique. Interesting suggestion regarding the title, I'll give it some thought.

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Technical notes:

I don't think the title needs that comma.

Each stanza could end like the first, with a period, rather than be left but semi-punctuated, or maybe you could go with em dashes to signify continuity.

Echoing someone else, it's either "till" or "'til", not really "'till".

Strictly a comment, rather than a suggestion: I always find it interesting when accentual verse bunches together two stressed syllables, as in L7's "a MUral of CHE // IN his beRET".

Also more of a comment: L9 could also be read as having a stress too much, "SLOWly FAding aWAY" rather than "slowly FAding aWAY", but a few more readings purge the notion.

Substantive note:

I feel kind of uneasy about this one. Not that I particularly sympathize with the ideology that would motivate this place to put Che into a prominent mural, but there is a sense that the piece takes its present poverty as a natural consequence of the ideology, rather than as something with a more specific cause, a cause whereby one could actually and definitively point at some greater power in the wrong. I would feel a bit less uneasy if the piece hinted at that better: say, if the horn playing the blues was more clearly from an equally impoverished part of said greater power.

Thank you for taking the trouble to comment on the poem, much appreciated. 
The lack of periods is careless of me, as is "till". 
Regarding your substantive note, I understand your concern. I made the decision not to address the politics specifically, or apportion blame for the situation, because it would require a longer, more detailed poem. I actually started to write a poem about urban decay in general but settled on Havana because I know more about it, and could find more interesting metaphors, which is what I was trying to explore.
Thanks again.