The Med is a graveyard.

[milo]

Hello JamesG

It is good to see you bitten by some quick inspiration - take it when and where you can get it - it's a wonderful thing.

When I first saw your title, I though the Med was short for medical and I was thinking WR or hospital or whatnot (who knows what slang people use) and after reading I am settling on maybe Mediterranean althoughI am still not actually certain(?) so that might need some clarification although it might just be me.  I like the concept of anything being compared to a graveyard but maybe only because I am slightly obsessed with the idea that so many people have died at this point that the Earth is really a graveyard (I read the statistic somewhere that the number of dead users on Facebook would outnumer the living at some point and it is fascinating to think about.

I haven't posted, or indeed written anything, for a while, but this came to me unbidden today

All feedback welcome


Second draft

The Med is a graveyard.


Crying underwater, salt mixes with the fresh,

I think it is impossible to "cry" underwater but I do like the idea of tears meshing with saltwater - almost getting lost in something so much larger as to be insignificant - there is a metaphor in there somewhere - I don't think the current phrasing really brings it to life

an unholy alchemy, dissolving with the rest.

This line feels like a throwaway - if there is something unholy it is never further developed as well - even alchemical - while it could be interesting if developed futher I didn't get that from the rest of the poem.  How common is the phrase "unholy alchemy"?  It is a Metal song, called "Unholy Alchemy", A book called "The Unholy Alchemy of Me", a painting called "An Unholy Alchemy of color" and mentioned in numerous other media as well.

My body drifts

down the river, to the sea,

weighed down by the cloth I hold,

in my hands a birthday suit,

Once again - I feel like bodies drifting out to see can be developed or bridge to your metaphor but I just don't think it ever is so it feels like a red herring.  A birthday suit is literally nothing - it refers to the suit you were born in which is your skin.  I can't tell if you intend this to be  the case or if you are unaware or if you are just drawn to trite phrases, regardless it should be cleared up in the poem.

sodden, full of light.

The weeds, the sea-weeds

caress my puckered skin

they wrap me in their bladderwrack adoration

Gently flagellating, parting like the sad

Magician’s curtains, to reveal a host,

a flock of ragged tourists, floating just above the

grey, grey dance floor, toes describing

I feel like a lot of the ornamentation throughout here is just description rather than presentation.  Bladderwrack is a very cool word.  With that, flagellation, adoration - there are strong religious tones here.  "Gently " feels like the wrong world - maybe "tender" or something else that isn't such an obvious cross. The rhythm throughout all of this is pretty good and the sonics are good as well.

arabesques through the silt of a thousand expeditions,

clasping their dreams like children.

The simile is dangling here.  Arabesques as a noun is nice.  The motions of the weeds absorb an inordinate amount of th epoem.  You could almost title it "The Bladderwracks"

Sometimes, just clasping,

their children.

Milk eyes stare in blank accusation

of my misremembered life.

I never knew the sea, the sea

had so much hope, and misery,

buried deep down where

the salt and fresh collide.

I think the ending is fitting -  a nice callback to the beginning.  Once again - it feels like you get absorbed in telling me about your journey instead of letting me live it with lines like (the sea

had so much hope, and misery,

buried deep down where)

Thank you for posting - I like the direction it is going - there is definitely a lot here.