Norway With Caraway (edit)

[wasellajam]

So I rewrote S3, the cookie lines, then cut it. Hopefully you'll let me know if it's missed, I can always slip it back in. I also tried to clarify, hopefully I haven't messed with its heart. All crit welcome.

Hi Ella,

As you know I'm staggering around like a new born giraffe when it comes to poetry critique, but I'll have a go anyway:

I think you may have achieved a reverse alchemy here. It took me half a dozen reads to figure out what was going on in your original, and it got better and better as I went along, as realisation dawned. In your latest edit I felt it had lost the magic - technically more correct, I'm sure, but it's lost Mawmaw, and she took the intrigue with her. 

Just my gut feeling, which is all I have to go on. Oh, and I didn't like "grinning", it has a touch of the macabre about it, but that's probably just me.

John, great critique, very helpful and exactly what I can't tell for myself. It's not the first I hacked one to death, I'll go back and try to be more gentle. I really appreciate your time and efforts with this. And who's not a fan of a baby giraffe?