3 hours ago
Will try not to repeat what's already been shared but here are some thoughts:
- "Clouds never move, bodies never age, love will never change" has a nice parallel structure but the third line breaks the logic/flow of the first two. The first two are observations about a world that's frozen, almost eerie, but "love will never change" slides into romance which is a totally register entirely and kind of muddles the message of the stanza.
- "Reality could fall from my palm, mere street change" -> my favorite moment from your poem!
- "I'd stoop to pocket the universe" almost lands as a finisher but "stoop" feels like the wrong word. Personally think it has more negative connotations than positive when the gesture you're aiming for, I assume, is more tender and loving.
- "Clouds never move, bodies never age, love will never change" has a nice parallel structure but the third line breaks the logic/flow of the first two. The first two are observations about a world that's frozen, almost eerie, but "love will never change" slides into romance which is a totally register entirely and kind of muddles the message of the stanza.
- "Reality could fall from my palm, mere street change" -> my favorite moment from your poem!
- "I'd stoop to pocket the universe" almost lands as a finisher but "stoop" feels like the wrong word. Personally think it has more negative connotations than positive when the gesture you're aiming for, I assume, is more tender and loving.