2 hours ago
There are some really good lines. I like my aching hairline, a brilliant personification of age through emoting. Later on, though, the word 'hair' is repeated, which bothers me somewhat, as is the case with the word 'flowers'. I don't care for the sonics of 'lack of'. Also, 'my heart sinks' is a bit proverbially musty. For pregnant pause, I am not sure how I feel about the alliteration. It feels a bit incongruous with the previous lines. Some lines read like prose forced into a poem, while others seem concerned with the sonics, mostly alliteration in the beginning: pregnant/pause, forgets/fictitious. However, I do like the alliteration in 'fate' and 'fairytale'. I think that line works well. Also, the homophones of two and too are too much. It feels like brilliant nostalgic phrasing of certain lines, but not cohesive. Thank you for reading my first critique. I just joined the forum. 