Draft 2 - Post Rain Crepuscular

[Michael Anon]

  My comments are in italics
*based on feedback from thewilderhen


Post Rain Crepuscular


This is not apocalypse. This is evening,
parousia red,                                 a word you've taught me, suggesting the Second Coming?
the longer waves surviving
what is left in air          why "air of storm" rather than "in the air after the storm"? you're cutting prepositions disrupts the flow of thought for this reader
of storm. Amaranthine waves,
renewing vision with sorrow,        how can sorrow be vision or vision be sorrow: your thinking isn't clear here: what are you trying to say?
fall upon us
shadows now embodied,
so blinded then
as not to see the other        the other who or what?
and think,
how beautiful
how rare                    why no full stop when you've used punctuation that was necessary up to this point?

You have something on the verge of an epiphany here but you need for brevity seems to be working against the possibility of one for the reader

Draft 1.5 - Post Rain Crepuscular

This is not apocalypse. This is evening,
parousia red,
the longest wave surviving crimson
past what is left in air
of storm. The longest wave
renewing vision
with sorrow,
waning into night,
falling upon us
shadows now embodied, so blinded
then as not to see the other
and think,
how beautiful
how rare

Draft 1 - Post Rain Crepuscular

This is not apocalypse. This is evening,
parousia red,
the longest wave surviving crimson
past what is left in air
of storm. The longest wave
renewing vision
with sorrow,
falling, waning into night,
upon us all,
shadows disembodied, so blinded
before as not to see the other
and think,
how beautiful
how rare