04-03-2026, 03:19 AM
Hello jeanelyking
my descent arose don't think you need this line to open
in the dive i made falling for you.
the further i fell,
the less of myself i held onto.
ribs strained to make room
for rancour i’d accrue.
naïvely praying someday,
my rest would soon ensue. the accrue/ensue rhyme is forced a bit, for me
but through it all, you threw
all debris on me to bear.
every added ounce
left me further frayed with wear. once again forcing a rhyme, thereby limited your word choices
rifts and tears flayed the place hard to picture rifts and tears flaying like a knife might
my heart used to be.
severed from the sleeve not sure this line is working
that anchored me to the belief cool break to the next stanza
that one day, the pain would pay off,
and the games you’d play
would wither away,
and i could finally stay off another cool line break
the edge of this bluff good double entrendre here on bluff
i’d hung so high from.
this hill i’d willingly die on.
mounted close to commune
with clouds we’d lain under,
i was now left to wonder
whether they’d extend the grace
of saving me at all. this stanza is a bit clunky for me, with clouds extending grace
at last, began to grasp
the cranes in our sky
only heightened my fall. hard to grasp this image, as it seems out of place
and you’d have the gall
to just watch me unravel.
i held on for our life, my dear.
yet still wallow in the gravel
of your grave mistakes. The last two stanzas are really good, and the ending is too, though I have trouble picturing wallowing in gravel
A little tightening and you'll have a winner with this one.
... Mark
my descent arose don't think you need this line to open
in the dive i made falling for you.
the further i fell,
the less of myself i held onto.
ribs strained to make room
for rancour i’d accrue.
naïvely praying someday,
my rest would soon ensue. the accrue/ensue rhyme is forced a bit, for me
but through it all, you threw
all debris on me to bear.
every added ounce
left me further frayed with wear. once again forcing a rhyme, thereby limited your word choices
rifts and tears flayed the place hard to picture rifts and tears flaying like a knife might
my heart used to be.
severed from the sleeve not sure this line is working
that anchored me to the belief cool break to the next stanza
that one day, the pain would pay off,
and the games you’d play
would wither away,
and i could finally stay off another cool line break
the edge of this bluff good double entrendre here on bluff
i’d hung so high from.
this hill i’d willingly die on.
mounted close to commune
with clouds we’d lain under,
i was now left to wonder
whether they’d extend the grace
of saving me at all. this stanza is a bit clunky for me, with clouds extending grace
at last, began to grasp
the cranes in our sky
only heightened my fall. hard to grasp this image, as it seems out of place
and you’d have the gall
to just watch me unravel.
i held on for our life, my dear.
yet still wallow in the gravel
of your grave mistakes. The last two stanzas are really good, and the ending is too, though I have trouble picturing wallowing in gravel
A little tightening and you'll have a winner with this one.
... Mark