falling for your bluff.

[wasellajam]

Okay, so this is a lot for the Basic Critique Forum but I think you can handle it and I wanted to post promptly before you changed anything.  These are just my notes as a reader, take them or leave them. Thanks for posting this, I enjoyed reading it.

hi wasella,

thanks for the welcome !  

i can’t lie i did get carried away with repeatedly editing haha, i have a habit of doing that with my written pieces lol. i’ll definitely give what you linked a read for the future.

thank you also for the valuable feedback . in terms of the “cranes in our sky” part, it was sort of a nod to one of my favourite songs, Cranes in the Sky by Solange Knowles (i’d recommend giving it a listen if you haven’t already!); i felt like the meaning behind the song tied in well here and i often like to reference songs i enjoy in things i write, but can understand how it would be confusing without that context.

you’ve given me many things to consider, i’m sure i’ll be making more edits soon (properly this time lol)

So I listened to Solange's Cranes, turns out I had known but forgotten it. It's an interesting lyric:

But it's like cranes in the sky
Sometimes I don't wanna feel those metal clouds

.

Birds vs the cranes on top of buildings that hover threateningly. When I read your lines now it's lovely and makes perfect sense but initially I just pictured the birds, no knowledge of the the song and what it is about and was lost. You have choices, you can leave it as an allusion that readers may not get but edit so it makes some sense on its own, a double meaning. Or you can lean in and without stealing her stuff create the image you want. Or you can leave it as is, a mystery to some readers, your poem.

Thanks for the listen, I especially like the live at camp flog gnaw.