No Outlet (new edit 4)

[wasellajam]

Hello ella

I am glad you are still working on this one and - to my taste anyway - this is back on the right track.  Couple nits below:

No Outlet (edit 3) (Magpie, milo, John B, P)

In April when the trees began to leaf
clandestine bulbs erupted into bloom
and garden plans conspired to coalesce;
we woke to bask in sweatered sunlit breeze.

So, I know you are going for blank verse here but the bloat is a little intrusive.  For me - it would be better without some of it.  

In April as the trees began to leaf
and bulbs erupted into bloom
as garden plans conspired 
we woke to bask in sweatered sunlit breeze.

Then June’s congested traffic clogged the road,
contracting an already narrow trail;
reversal called for small repeated moves,
a u-turn now a convoluted dance.

awkward promotion on "an"
"reversal' - feels wrong - somehow fitting "backing up" would be better.
also, "now" in past tense . . .

September brought a pause as hubbub dimmed,
the boat rack stacked, canoes and kayaks stowed..
Tree by tree a blazing patchwork clad
the silhouette of mountains poised for sleep.

this is all fine

Now Winter settles, windows edged with frost,
its snow tires tightly wrapped in chains to slow
the likely skid that forfeits all control.
An eagle circles opened ice and dives.

"its" possessive - hmmm. Feels weird for Winter to be possessing tires.


The first 3 lines of this S still feel a little contrived but overall it is looking pretty good.

Thanks for keeping with this

No Outlet  (edit 2) (John B, milo, P)

In April when the trees began to leaf
and garden plans conspired to coalesce,
the daze of hibernation fell away;
we woke to bask in sweatered  sunlit breeze.

Then June swept in and filled in every gap,
the narrow road was squeezed from either side;
reversal called for small repeated moves,
a u-turn now a convoluted dance.

September brought a pause as hubbub dimmed,
the boatrack stacked, canoes and kayaks tarped.
Tree by tree a blazing patchwork clad
the silhouette of mountains poised for sleep.

Now Winter settles, windows edged with frost;
its tires are draped with chains in hopes to stop
the likely skid that forfeits all control.
An eagle circles opened ice and dives.


No Outlet  edit 1.8  (S4 still to go) (P. and John B.)

In April, green a promised glow,
the hibernating year-round folk
emerge unbundled, give a wave
and catch the still-chilled sunlit breeze.

Then June arrives and neighbors clog
the road, no room to turn around;
with many moves a car can squeeze
between the rocks and trees to flee.

September comes, just diehards stay
and bear the weekend warriors
who visit seeking blazing views
of mountain forests poised for sleep.

Now Winter slowing to a stop,
its tires clad in chains for grip
demands an effort unfulfilled
to slide its way to anywhere.


No Outlet

In April when the trees begin to leaf
the year-round denizens emerge
and greet each other, waking up
to bask in sweatered sunlit breeze.

Then June arrives and neighbors clog
the road, no room to turn around,
in many moves a car can just
about reverse its route to flee.

September comes, the hubbub dims
except for weekend warriors
anticipating blazing views
of mountain forests poised for sleep.

Now Winter slowing to a stop,
its tires clad in chains for grip
demands an effort unfulfilled
to slide its way to anywhere.

[/quote]

Hi, milo, really appreciate you coming back to this. I have other things to avoid and you had little a more faith in this than I did so I'm trying.

I agree the poem has gotten bloated as I tried to change the focus and also wanting to keep my original opening line
which was accidental IP so the whole of it grew. I reeeally like what you did to S1, thank you, it may let me keep lines I'm attached to while cutting the overly effusive language. I prefer a firm skeleton so I'll try the whole thing like that, thank you.

i'll check the nits on S2. Yes, the tires have belonged to Now Winter in all versions. It's part my metaphor that's so subtle it's invisible.   We'll see what happens next edit.

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.