Draft 3. The Venusian

[dukealien]

Through nights long enough
to circle the source
of our being, despite my remaining   adding "my" here clarifies possible ambiguity (implied "our")
untouched by other bodies
of consequence, I am left
to rediscover, time and time again,
a likeness in our solitude. 

Because my sky is a barren womb,
the only moon begotten
I can dedicate a language to, is a fiction 
that this shroud is burning for.   discussion of this stanza below - the key may be ending sentences/phrases with a preposition

Yet still you broadcast your study  is "broadcast" the best word here?  "b[b]eam," perhaps even "announce"[/b]
of my desolation. In what
way do I appear to you,  [b]a simple "How" beginning this line could serve in place of "In what/way" and leave strong "desolation" at line end[/b]
as you do to me, that you can distance yourself  [b]is "do" necessary here?[/b]
from your own divinity?
There is the madness

that frightens the viridescence 
from your terrain. In the protracted absence   an alternate interpretation here:  is it not Earth after all?
of your song, it is my waiting
that you gaze upon, my believing that
you are as you were, a 
small bright deity of love.

Some improvements noted in the revision, a couple of suggestions (above), discussion, and confession.

Concerning S.2,

Because my sky is a barren womb,
the only moon begotten
I can dedicate a language to, is a fiction 
that this shroud is burning for.

the problem is the convoluted sentence structure - to lay it out bluntly, "my only moon is a fiction" with subsidiary comments.  The sentence as a whole, and its major clause, each end in a preposition ("to" and "for") which is pedantically disliked - but this stanza shows why.   To, not rewrite, only rearrange,

My sky's a barren womb, wherefore
I can only dedicate a language
to its absent moon, a fiction
for which this shroud burns.

And now, the confession:  I've turned up another (wrong?) interpretation:  the target of this desolate cry is not necessarily Earth, but possibly my own (now desolate) Mars!  Always the (illicit) lover of Venus, mad indeed, as war is ("There is the madness") and with the unfortunately lost green Percival Lowell definitely saw - not to mention the canals.  Did Martians probe Venus before Earth people were able to detect their "broadcasts?"  Have to look it up in old issues of the Martian Scientific Journal.

Anyway, I still like it, and the edits have helped.  Hope my blocky rearrangement of S.2 suggests a (much better) solution.