Fresh Snow (title updated)

[wasellajam]

Hi, Jon, I like your edit, it is gentle but effective, there is more warmth and more cold. For me breaking it up helped too. Some notes:

A revision:

You wandered over fresh snow I like the change to "wandering", more unsure but with more intent.
in the not-yet-morning,            Glad you kept this line.
past the stark pines along the road,
white powder crunching underfoot. Strong image and brings in the sound which gives a new sense of the cold and snow.

The stars burned bright and hard.
The house behind you slept and slept. Not a fan of the double slept and I miss slept in the line below.
Father remained in a dark window,
while sooty birds gathered at the sill. Ah, the big change. Dad is not just unaware, there's evil there.

Your steps kept time on the road.
Nothing followed, save the sound        save the sound of the snow, a yes for me.
of snow giving way and a crow
calling, from where you could not tell. The lines are beautiful and echo the wandering and sounds from S1.


—— original

You moved over fresh snow
in that not-yet-morning,
past the stark pines along the road,
powder crunching underfoot.
The stars burning hard.
The house behind you slept.
Father slept behind a dark window.
Your steps kept time in the night.
Your breath drifted cold, ahead of you.

So, it seems my only nit is "slept and slept". Good work, thanks for posting it.