Oil on Canvas

[milo]

Hi Milo,

Comments below.

Oil on Canvas I feel like there is more work that the title could do to clarify or focus the poem's key idea. It doesn't convey much more than what the reader can already pick up on by line 2


There is a woman from Moldova Intriguing opening, I would keep this
in my Tuesday painting class;
her face the rough of daub and wattle
her hands float smooth like the Danube. By the time I read the second comparison that is made to characterize the Moldovan woman I was expecting something that was more specific to the country. It could very well be possible that the Danube had a more political significance to the country during the time of the Carolingian empire and I'm just sounding ignorant, which I am, because I was looking up these references as I was reading xD. The Danube only appears to touch the southern portion of Moldova.


She paints a man in oil on canvas,
an olive great coat and a cap
who rides his stallion off to battle.
Now he’s gone. Now he’s gone. Perhaps an idea for a better title lies in this stanza


Charlemagne!
Oh Charlemagne!
Come haunting through the cold church basements,
break the locks, kick down the doors.
Come knock the limpid easel over, Limpid doesn't seem a good fit for describing an easel
Charlemagne!
Oh Charlemagne!


Don’t wash away with turpentine,
don’t swirl like colors down the drain. I am reading this as if Charlemagne is still the one who is being addressed by the N, which is a bit confusing. The "why" of this bid by the N could maybe be expanded on and tied to the presence of the woman at the beginning of the poem.

Thank you for sharing!

Hello

Thank you so much for reading and commenting, I will think about them as I consider revisions.  I have considered the title quite a bit and, at this time I am happy with it (though that could change at any moment)

Thanks!!

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This is a really interesting read, I've left a few notes below.

Oil on Canvas  -- I would usually prefer a title that isn't a line from the poem, but that's just me, it's not a big deal


There is a woman from Moldova -- the choice of Moldova seems very specific, perhaps a history of border instability
in my Tuesday painting class; -- unless 'Tuesday' has some relevance would 'Monday' be better for internal sonics with 'Moldova'
her face the rough of daub and wattle -- like this line 
her hands float smooth like the Danube. -- the rhythm of this line is off compared with the rest of the stanza which is at odds to the line which is describing a smooth action. I do like the nearly rhymes with Danube and daub


She paints a man in oil on canvas,
an olive great coat and a cap -- 'greatcoat' all one word 'great coat' reads awkwardly
who rides his stallion off to battle.
Now he’s gone. Now he’s gone. -- not sure about the repetition here, is there a reason? 


Charlemagne!  -- this stanza caught me by surprise
Oh Charlemagne!
Come haunting through the cold church basements, -- is 'the' needed here, 
break the locks, kick down the doors.
Come knock the limpid easel over, -- is it the easel that is limpid or the canvas
Charlemagne!
Oh Charlemagne!


Don’t wash away with turpentine,
don’t swirl like colors down the drain. -- nice ending. could 'like' be changed for 'as' to make a stronger image? doesn't read as well I suppose

Read it a few times now and I really like it, the inclusion of Charlemagne was a surprise in conjunction with Moldova as I can find no connection. Perhaps Charlemagne symbolises violence and terror. To me this seems to be poem about not letting the past be forgotten.

Thanks for the read.

Hello

Thank you for reading and commenting, I have put one of your suggestions to use post haste!

The others I will consider for a bit and try to produce a worthy revision.

Thanks so much!