she smiles - edit4

[milo]

edit3;


she smiles
and feeling so relieved for her
in that warm swift moment
I start to cry except
it’s gone before my tears can well

then returning terror locks
her features tight
knowing only that she cannot
understand or put a name
to anything she sees

smile lights again
dove-like
I want to turn away
before the next fright
in this cursed alternation
but I can’t

not damnation
since neither deserved
nor endless

---

Trying to apply the latest critique.  S3 has grown again, but actually simplified a little?  Funny how "alternation" is one of those words that loses its meaning if you say it often enough. 

Yes, I mean "dove-like" to be ambiguous - is it the smile, or the narrator who wants to turn his head away as doves, in seeming modesty, do.

You have been putting in work on this one and it shows.  To my taste it is quite a bit better.  L3 - that warm swift moment - is still a bit flat and your overdependence on passive voice (particularly L's 2, 8)  The last strophe reads syntactically awkward.  You are avoiding punctuation so that isn't a solution but maybe changing the word order would help.

Other than that, I enjoyed it.

Thanks