9 hours ago
(9 hours ago)dukealien Wrote: For @milo, I tried when first writing this to do as you suggest (making the third and fourth lines a rhymed couplet) but found I was already forcing it just in the first stanza. Instead, the missing beat at the end of the fourth line (there's a name for that, isn't there?) suggests an unexpected discontinuity... such as one's keister impacting the ground after a slip. Or at least tries to.actually, I probably explained it poorly, I wasn't suggesting couplets but rather a last line interweave, see (for demonstratino purposes not a suggestion)
Incidentally, we're up to eight quintillion today, where I live. My birdbath looks like a very large white-frosted coconut cake on a display stand.
Microscopic hammers falling
make no dent, leave us recalling
carpet-bombing rearranging
landscapes into silent loams.
Blanketed and suffocated
under white, anticipated,
interlocking ninja spin-stars,
glassy flakes on garden gnomes.
Like a judo master throwing
his opponent, all this snowing
uses our own speed to smash us
into sidewalks shaped like domes.
One quintillion satin hammers–
pretty, pratfall coccyx-slammers–
make one inch of peaceful snowfall
bright in sunlight: lets relish homes.
(note: skipped beat in the beginning is anacrusis, in the middle is catalexis)
((give me another couple passes to offer real feedback))