catalyst: a person or thing that produces or speeds significant change or action

[shady]

God is everything or God is nothing
you were everything now you're nothing
and nothing makes sence
i can't make sence of how empty i feel after just four days
but those days made me feel
significant and seen and loved and wanted
and oh how fucking badly i wanted to be yours
but your fear crept in and you pushed me away
now the memories i pushed down resurface
and prove that what's at my surface is a mask and i'm not okay
just like your mast is a deception and a hidden figure of sickness lives deep down in you
i feel sick literally and figuratively
my abdomen cramps from the plan b you bought me
and my heart cramps from the knife you buried deep
with your words
those words meant more than you could even imagine
they are eerily similar to the words i heard at seventeen
the words that made me empty a bottle of vodka down my throat
now i choke and choke on those memories
cough them up
cough up blood and pain and loneliness and misery
and oh the misery i sit in
a cold puddle of my actions
and your words
and what could have been
and what's not.