5 hours ago
Hi,
I think this is an awesome idea for a poem! The contrast and imagery is really thought-provoking. I have a couple ideas, take or leave
I do think "massive" (1) is a bit redundant. However I prefer that opening as a similie, not a metaphor, as for me it brings an interesting question of reality/comparison to Apollo, if that makes sense. I think it sets the tone of the poem very well. If you're looking for another adjective, perhaps you could use "miasmic". The Greeks believed in this concept quite heavily, so I think it is fitting, and could be interesting given the second stanza's proximity with "Death" versus the idea that Greek gods needed to stay away from it. Of course, I'm quite new to actually writing poetry, so this might not fit or be in line with the rhythm you want.
In that vein, you could consider a comma after "like the sun" (2) - there is a lot of enjambement in that first stanza which I dig but it is a bit of a mouthful with no break.
The only other idea could be to cut "along" (7) at the start of stanza 2. To me "Adam walks the river" makes sense and just adds to the ambiguity and power going on a bit more. This could suggest he is not limited to a direction.
Again just throwing some ideas, I really enjoyed it!
Thx
I think this is an awesome idea for a poem! The contrast and imagery is really thought-provoking. I have a couple ideas, take or leave
I do think "massive" (1) is a bit redundant. However I prefer that opening as a similie, not a metaphor, as for me it brings an interesting question of reality/comparison to Apollo, if that makes sense. I think it sets the tone of the poem very well. If you're looking for another adjective, perhaps you could use "miasmic". The Greeks believed in this concept quite heavily, so I think it is fitting, and could be interesting given the second stanza's proximity with "Death" versus the idea that Greek gods needed to stay away from it. Of course, I'm quite new to actually writing poetry, so this might not fit or be in line with the rhythm you want.
In that vein, you could consider a comma after "like the sun" (2) - there is a lot of enjambement in that first stanza which I dig but it is a bit of a mouthful with no break.
The only other idea could be to cut "along" (7) at the start of stanza 2. To me "Adam walks the river" makes sense and just adds to the ambiguity and power going on a bit more. This could suggest he is not limited to a direction.
Again just throwing some ideas, I really enjoyed it!
Thx