Breathless

[milo]

For starters, i like the name.. its telling me where to put my focus while reading. 

We are all paralyzed between inhale and exhale.
I see it in how the world draws breath while we hold ours.

We hold our breath beneath fluorescent skies,
Afraid to inhale,
Afraid to taste the air we made.

The forest’s lungs, suffocated by the exhaust of traffic.

Then i like the whole verse here - 
Winds of changes cough quietly,
Clouds swell with smoke. 
We hold our breath,
Calling it progress.

breathing slower, deeper, exhales of destruction.
Aaand this one - 
Somewhere between
the forest’s inhale and the
the city’s exhale, we live on.

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For starters, i like the name.. its telling me where to put my focus while reading. 

We are all paralyzed between inhale and exhale.
I see it in how the world draws breath while we hold ours.

We hold our breath beneath fluorescent skies,
Afraid to inhale,
Afraid to taste the air we made.

The forest’s lungs, suffocated by the exhaust of traffic.

Then i like the whole verse here - 
Winds of changes cough quietly,
Clouds swell with smoke. 
We hold our breath,
Calling it progress.

breathing slower, deeper, exhales of destruction.
Aaand this one - 
Somewhere between
the forest’s inhale and the
the city’s exhale, we live on.

Yah, these are some good choices.  I would say the central metaphor compares the breathing of a person to the "breathing" of the planet.

The key line for me is:

The forest’s lungs, suffocated by the exhaust of traffic.

I think that is a great line that really ties it together.  After I connect with that, I read it a second time to see other lines that point to that so I can really appreciate it.

What about the line breaks?  What do you think they add to the poem?  Are they the best they could possibly be?

Thanks for discussing this.

yeah, i get your point i think. I dont really know what to say about the breaks. It lookes fine to me thou. Its a pleaure to discuss and "dissect" the poem. I also read it a couple of times to really appreciate the work.

We have had a lot of great discussions on line breaks right on this site, helpful ella should be along with some links shortly.  I have been an advocate for the power of line breaks

essentially, line breaks in poetry provide extra emphasis and a solid pause for thought.  They should be used on important words, hopefully ones that point to the central metaphor.

Line breaks can be used to:

1. Add meaning and nuance by breaking between a thought and then turning on the break
   
2. Strengthen your central metaphor and build layers of meaning
   
3. add tension and anticipation
   
4. other random effects like whimsy, humour, etc.
   

general consensus is to NOT break on conjunctions, articles or prepositions without good cause (words like and, or, but, the, to, etc)