01-12-2026, 12:35 PM
I am uneducated and untrained so please take everything I say with a grain of salt.
Up to here I'm having a good time. The vision is there and conjures emotion. The first line in this revision is definitely better than the first. There are some word choices or phrasing that I may do differently, but I am not particularly concerned with the content and identify with the premise.
This feels a bit haphazard and forced juxtaposed against the rest of the stanza(?). From the formatting to the injected rhyme it comes across as alien. I do not believe that the rhyming itself is detracting, but the execution maybe could use with a bit more brevity like a snappy two liner instead of three that sufficiently gets the point across. Mostly it didn't fit with the rhythm of what was before for me enough that I felt jarred.
Really two things here, one a little more trivial than the other.
1.The line "in the midst of middle age" I think works better without "in the midst". Fits the syllable count of the previous two lines (meter?). It also still conveys the ongoing-nature that I believe you are getting across implicitly.
2. The bigger one is that the execution of the last thought feels forced again. The formatting is different in a way that's more confusing than interesting to me, and the biggest reason is that the last line almost seems contradicted by the next stanza where you describe an immense set of woes that you've endured which makes "Nor been soaked deep by pain." seem disingenuous.
1. Love the honesty of the first three lines, they hit. The rhyming two are probably the strongest of the work to this point. They fit with the message of the previous three and while clunky rhythmically, they project honesty.
2. Contrasting the previous stanza's close against this one, I had to pause and go back because this is outlining some pain. Not only that but you describe the effect it had as a "hardened heart". That shines even more of a spotlight on that last line which could definitely be stronger in both idea and execution.
I believe somewhere you need to work in a motif of resiliency before this close or in some way lead up to your intended closing argument. The idea once again is there but in all of the previous stanzas I didn't pick up on anything that ties this to the rest. Obviously you don't have to introduce anything explicit, but I read this and don't see how it fits cogently. Tangentially, I understand that everything previously is in spite of the last stanza but I was not satisfied by that being the extent of it.
Quote:I looked within my world.
Scoured landscapes,
walked worn out paths
and picked at healed scars.
Kicked half built houses
that stirred up clouds of dust.
Emptied my cup
and left myself dry.
Up to here I'm having a good time. The vision is there and conjures emotion. The first line in this revision is definitely better than the first. There are some word choices or phrasing that I may do differently, but I am not particularly concerned with the content and identify with the premise.
Quote:Was it anger that burned these lands?
Did this all fall apart
at the work of my own hands?
This feels a bit haphazard and forced juxtaposed against the rest of the stanza(?). From the formatting to the injected rhyme it comes across as alien. I do not believe that the rhyming itself is detracting, but the execution maybe could use with a bit more brevity like a snappy two liner instead of three that sufficiently gets the point across. Mostly it didn't fit with the rhythm of what was before for me enough that I felt jarred.
Quote:Too many years I've toiled
over pen and page.
Too many years I've wandered
in the midst of middle age
to never have danced
in the rain. Nor been
soaked deep by pain.
Really two things here, one a little more trivial than the other.
1.The line "in the midst of middle age" I think works better without "in the midst". Fits the syllable count of the previous two lines (meter?). It also still conveys the ongoing-nature that I believe you are getting across implicitly.
2. The bigger one is that the execution of the last thought feels forced again. The formatting is different in a way that's more confusing than interesting to me, and the biggest reason is that the last line almost seems contradicted by the next stanza where you describe an immense set of woes that you've endured which makes "Nor been soaked deep by pain." seem disingenuous.
Quote:I've been stepped on,
overlooked, tossed aside,
and left with a hardened heart.
To love like there's nothing else,
is a weight I've never held.
1. Love the honesty of the first three lines, they hit. The rhyming two are probably the strongest of the work to this point. They fit with the message of the previous three and while clunky rhythmically, they project honesty.
2. Contrasting the previous stanza's close against this one, I had to pause and go back because this is outlining some pain. Not only that but you describe the effect it had as a "hardened heart". That shines even more of a spotlight on that last line which could definitely be stronger in both idea and execution.
Quote:I never fit into a box,
why would I want to now?
Not rebellious. Not defiant.
Just peaceful presence found.
I believe somewhere you need to work in a motif of resiliency before this close or in some way lead up to your intended closing argument. The idea once again is there but in all of the previous stanzas I didn't pick up on anything that ties this to the rest. Obviously you don't have to introduce anything explicit, but I read this and don't see how it fits cogently. Tangentially, I understand that everything previously is in spite of the last stanza but I was not satisfied by that being the extent of it.