01-10-2026, 12:43 PM
(01-09-2026, 11:23 AM)milo Wrote: Adam and Apollo
The lion wore his massive mantle … ‘massive’ feels somewhat pedestrian
like the sun
and so they called him "Apollo" … I am confused by the smooshing together of different myths. There is no deeper layer of Jerusalem vs Athens here, so it feels like you went for Apollo just for the alliteration.
as he strode through fields
of poppies, monarch heavy, … monarch butterflies? ‘Monarch heavy’ should be a clever line, but it doesn’t work. My apologies for not being able to tell you more clearly why. I also tried to take a step back and look at the overall effect, but S1 still feels like it was put together to make way for S2 which is glorious
and laydown with the lambs.
Adam walks along the river
lion-headed; ageless fool.
Was it just a dream, the garden?
Up ahead, Death swims -
new-born, pink-bottomed cherub
frolics in the river, as Adam
strides to meet his old friend … all of S2 is resplendent