The River

[wasellajam]

Hi, I really enjoyed this, some notes:

[quote="adat" pid='276268' dateline='1765645124']
Love flows,
itself a hidden stream
beneath the city
sleeping—
fear and hope 
rush downstream,
unseen
but not unfelt.

Strong image, and love does take hope and fear with it wherever it goes. One issue: Is love or the city sleeping? If love maybe comma after city. If city maybe a swap to “sleeping city.”

Joy runs
along a path at dawn,
hungry for the day
to come,
longing for the newborn sun—
a vision
neither commenced 
nor yet done.

The poem really comes alive for me here, I’m right with joy. Lovely meter and sonics: dawn, come, sun, vision, done.

Grief tears --
no, stabs --
jagged blade,
flash severing flesh,
leaving us to wonder
at the carnage;
realizing it is us,
as we crumble 
to the ground.

I don’t like having to choose between tears and stabs. If you’re looking for the double meaning of tears I think you could use it better. As a whole, it’s not working for me.

God spills
from the clouds above,
washing away
crimson tears
lifting what can stand,
leaving the rest: 
an offering
to what could not be.

I think the first four lines could be more original, enjoy the last four.

I hope this helps in some way, thanks for the read.