Because I was born
#10
(01-09-2026, 06:16 AM)busker Wrote:  Thanks - some helpful thoughts there. I like the “crossed out” suggestion, particularly.
Posted an edit

Took out the “Shakespeare” as it sounds pompous

Put it back. Less self aware

Maintained the “ing” to go with other “ings” but fixed the first / third person issue
I have no intention of  clogging up your thread with my incessant chatter but I wanted to say I like the new one a bit better, it reads more naturally and you are right, dissolving works better now, perhaps it was just the POV throwing me.  i may have more comments later if you are still working on it, if not, no problem
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Messages In This Thread
Because I was born - by busker - 01-08-2026, 08:05 PM
RE: Because I was born - by milo - 01-08-2026, 09:11 PM
RE: Because I was born - by busker - 01-08-2026, 09:18 PM
RE: Because I was born - by milo - 01-08-2026, 09:20 PM
RE: Because I was born - by busker - 01-08-2026, 10:16 PM
RE: Because I was born - by milo - 01-09-2026, 01:21 AM
RE: Because I was born - by busker - 01-09-2026, 04:37 AM
RE: Because I was born - by milo - 01-09-2026, 05:24 AM
RE: Because I was born - by busker - 01-09-2026, 06:16 AM
RE: Because I was born - by milo - 01-09-2026, 07:35 AM
RE: Because I was born - by milo - 01-18-2026, 10:18 AM
RE: Because I was born - by busker - 01-18-2026, 06:11 PM



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