01-07-2026, 09:53 AM
@gruff
I'm no expert, but will leave a few thoughts below and hope they might be useful if you're still revising.
Thank you for taking the time, I think you've pointed out some weak spots that I can mull over, I get afraid of over editing, trying too hard, but I may be able to fix this up
I like the interjections of the "choking" and even breaking the meter a little to simulate it in the last stanza. However, the last line feels a little too stretched to me - I'm out of breath before nearing the end - maybe a couple of more aspirated breaths in there, such as huu, would help? Assuming, that is, I'm reading it correctly, which I might not be.
Maybe im not reading my own work right, both you and milo pointed out my second to last lines meter.
if EYE wake UP to SEE the WORLD still SPINS (perhaps sounds like IF i wake UP?) I should rework it
i DONT ex PECT to EVer SING aGAIN
The uuus are the 'you's but like little flame loops, more for visuals, you dont have to pronounce them but recognize they're there.
Thank you again.
@milo
I definitely prefer the new title, the edit is mostly solid. I am not sure about the interjection of Y O U and the spare u's, I am not sure how to read them. I am sure you have some idea for them, I just can't figure out what it it - maybe to indicate that our narrator is suffering because of { y o u y o u} ?
Because 'you' is the reason for the song, I thought the little uuus were like little flame loops, and the words 'you' and the letters spelling it are like the smoke, so you can pronounce it by saying you or just see it and know its there.
Also, most of the meter was fixed except S3 which is all tetrameter.
I think i have one more edit in me, thank you again!
I'm no expert, but will leave a few thoughts below and hope they might be useful if you're still revising.
Thank you for taking the time, I think you've pointed out some weak spots that I can mull over, I get afraid of over editing, trying too hard, but I may be able to fix this up
I like the interjections of the "choking" and even breaking the meter a little to simulate it in the last stanza. However, the last line feels a little too stretched to me - I'm out of breath before nearing the end - maybe a couple of more aspirated breaths in there, such as huu, would help? Assuming, that is, I'm reading it correctly, which I might not be.
Maybe im not reading my own work right, both you and milo pointed out my second to last lines meter.
if EYE wake UP to SEE the WORLD still SPINS (perhaps sounds like IF i wake UP?) I should rework it
i DONT ex PECT to EVer SING aGAIN
The uuus are the 'you's but like little flame loops, more for visuals, you dont have to pronounce them but recognize they're there.
Thank you again.
@milo
I definitely prefer the new title, the edit is mostly solid. I am not sure about the interjection of Y O U and the spare u's, I am not sure how to read them. I am sure you have some idea for them, I just can't figure out what it it - maybe to indicate that our narrator is suffering because of { y o u y o u} ?
Because 'you' is the reason for the song, I thought the little uuus were like little flame loops, and the words 'you' and the letters spelling it are like the smoke, so you can pronounce it by saying you or just see it and know its there.
Also, most of the meter was fixed except S3 which is all tetrameter.
I think i have one more edit in me, thank you again!