Arson and Fugue (prev. Eventually)

[milo]

Edit 1

I tried to write a song for you today,
my fingers resting gently on the keys.
And there I stared, forgetting how to play,
elbows sinking slowly to my knees.

Eventually I formed a fist, and raised
it high enough to crash down on a chord,
a resonating energy that blazed
across the floor, the curtains, out the door.

the roar y of fire  o   pounds  u   my mind
thick  you    smoke you   fills  you   my lungs
muscles  y  seize   as  o  I   go  u  blind
choking uuu on uu a uu swollen uuu tongue

If I wake up to see the world still spins,
I dont expect to ever sing again.
 

Hello

I definitely prefer the new title, the edit is mostly solid.  I am not sure about the interjection of Y O U  and the spare u's, I am not sure how to read them.  I am sure you have some idea for them, I just can't figure out what it it - maybe to indicate that our narrator is suffering because of { y o u y o u} ?

Also, most of the meter was fixed except S3 which is all tetrameter.

Thanks

Original


I tried to write a song for you today,
my fingers resting gently on the keys.
And there I stared, my legs rotting away,
elbows sinking slowly to my knees.

Eventually I formed a fist, and raised
it high enough to crash down on a chord,
a resonating energy that blazed
across the floor, the curtains, to the door.

the roar of fire    pounds     my mind
thick    smoke    filling     my lungs
muscles    seize    as    I     go  blind
choking    on a swollen     tongue

If I wake up to see the world still spins,
I dont expect to ever sing again.