01-07-2026, 05:36 AM
(12-09-2025, 09:31 AM)Stancyzk Wrote: And tomorrow's day will come
Amber dawn begins to pale, against the violet sky
Bees whisper through yawning winds
wading through earth and soot
as nightingales take final flight
For me, the beginning may be the weakest part of the poem. There is not much more poets can say about dawns and skies though the struggle, I fear, will never end. The first line could be completely struck and I do not think it would weaken the poem in any way. I don't quite understand what is "wading through earth and soot" here - the bees?, the winds? Neither makes much sense
Quote:
“Potnia, hear the call, rise again!”
Through chalk and stream
Through vine and grape
Through yolk and fawn
Through fire and ash
Wake all who slumber and guide them.
Bend the trees
Crack the stone
Scorch the fields
Freeze the seas
May none defy them.
So this rallying cry is pretty good to my ears. i was not familiar with the word, "Potnia", so I googled it - looks like it is an ancient Greek word referring to goddesses. I like pretty much all of the dichotomies and there is probably hours I could spend unpacking each individual one and I am sure I will on successive reads.
Quote:
In barren field a poppy grows
through dried vine and fractured rock
beneath the dying olive tree
______________________________
And tomorrow’s day will come
This all through here is fantastic. no notes. Once again there is a lot to unpack here and I feel like I am missing a large portion of the lore but this isn't a poem you read once or twice.
Quote:
.
Charon’ clock guides night to longing rest
ticking through formaldehyde soaked air
Plastic lights sear the shade against white walls
where sleepless meet wakeless
while Lachesis pulls her thread not sure if you intended "Charon's" but I actually found it more interesting thinking about it as "Charon clock-guides. "soaked" is probably the wrong word here. May "ether-laden" or something similar. The rest of it is fine. We just had a discussion on this board on whether poets were done with the Greeks or not and I am taking this as a "no".
Quote:Restless bodies pacing through these hallstheir steps echo, like water drops in a grottoIn their left hand white tulips,metal in their right.“Beware, beware!They may steal your fate.”needle, numb the skinscalpel, cut the sinewsaw, gnaw the boneclamp, hold the veinbut,maligned blood still remainsand tomorrow's day will comeOnce again, the sounds and images through here are fine, there are some issues with language choices where they refer to logic. While I do like the overall aesthetic of the center spaced command, it would be a lot easier to read if the were just italicized and offset.
Quote:
In silent ritual they sit,
pilgrims praying at the altar
of the dying olive tree
______________________________
Once again back to our olive tree. The first line is pretty dry compared to the lush language surrounding it.
Quote:
And tomorrow's day will come
Tearful mist begins to thaw, against the frosted windows
rays pierce through seams
and scour the floor
rousing elbow and foot,
upon the marble bed
The light, it roars in sorrow,
at Hypnus’s cruel deceit,
within the darkness
hidden
“Carry forth to whence you came
along the river Lethe!”
And so they stir, as once before
kindled by flame of amber dawn
take flight toward the rising sun
burn away what had once been done
dust melts to earth, clouds burn to rain
tomorrows day will come again
In poppy fields the cool rain pours
which seeps through dirt and bone
to wet the dying olive tree.
Please feel free to be as open and honest with any thoughts and criticisms, I appreciate and welcome all feedback!
I wanted to drop by and let you know that people are reading and enjoying this
(and if you are someone who has not read and enjoyed this - I suggest you do)
I have been working on commenting but it will take me a bit longer. I do think it is visually beautiful - like it should be engraved in gold-filligree at the entrance to a Cheescake Factory or something. I promise to return!
I found the language and the drama to be great. It feels inspired, if not I bet it took a lot of work. I really enjoyed it. I do think you may want to consider playing with the formatting to make it easier to read. Somehow the formatting got trashed when I responded to it, probably failed to close a tag somewhere
Thanks